


The Heroes of the Dusk

by Emmanuel Tennant (WriteMyHandOff)



Category: Code Black (TV), The Night Shift (TV 2014)
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Gen, M/M, Shooting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-24 02:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7489869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriteMyHandOff/pseuds/Emmanuel%20Tennant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TC Callahan was one of Leanne Rorish's best residents. They understood each other, and worked together for years. Then, Dr. Callahan left to work at another hospital. After a tragedy strikes Angels Memorial, Dr. Rorish remembers him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Accident

Leanne was first to hear the gunfire. She ran over to the nurses’ station and grabbed a phone. As she waited for the line to ring, she called out, “Everyone, evacuate. Get everyone out!” Jesse began to usher all of the walk-ins out and help stabilize the criticals and get them outside. Leanne spoke into the phone with frantic urgency, “There is an active shooter at Angels’ Memorial. I need EMT, police, everyone you got. Redirect the ambulances to another hospital. I’m in the process of clearing everyone.” The dispatcher responded and Leanne hung up and ran back into the building to check. She saw Jesse taking someone out and called to him, “How many more left?”

He replied, “Just this one. Leanne, don’t go back in. This isn’t some little kid that took his daddy’s gun. This is a trained sniper. Whoever this person is, they aren’t just firing randomly.”

Leanne shook her head, “Jesse, this is _my_ ER. If there is someone left in the building, then it is my responsibility. You know you can’t stop me. Please don’t try.”

Jesse looked at Leanne and said, with sadness lingering slightly in his voice, “I know, Daddy. But be careful, alright?”

Leanne nodded and entered the ER. She saw Christa and Malaya clinging to each other. They sat in a pool of sticky, scarlet liquid. Leanne began to run over, but before she could make it to them, she heard a bang and the already distressed Christa screamed in fear and grief, “Leanne!”

Leanne felt like she was falling with no end. She collapsed to the ground in pain. Crying out with all the pain, her ears rang and she soon realized what had happened. She wheezed out a couple times and looked at Christa and Malaya. She whispered, “I’m sorry.” Christa was sobbing wildly and Malaya was staring on in shock. Leanne’s cry out had brought Jesse running over. The police had also arrived, and Jesse pointed out the sniper to them, of whom they promptly arrested for attempted murder and assault. 

After the man was detained, Jesse knelt at Leanne’s side. He murmured, “Lea, you’ll be okay. Just relax.” He placed his hands over the wound and called out, “I need a gurney over here!”

As soon as the police gave the all clear, everyone rushed in to help. They checked up on Christa, who had been grazed with a bullet, but it was a minor, superficial injury. Everyone was most worried about their ER director, Dr. Leanne Rorish. A flurry of activity surrounded her as they moved her to center stage. She was the only patient in anyone’s minds at the moment. Everyone worked their hardest and their best for the woman who had been ‘Daddy’ for years.

As they took Leanne up to the OR everyone stood around grimly. Their faces showed nothing but sadness, pain, and tragedy. Everyone there knew that the bullet had been too close to Leanne’s spine for it not to have caused any permanent damage. It was likely that she would never walk again, and that weighed on everyone’s shoulders. The hospital was pretty much closed down for the moment, so they were able to just sit and cry. 

Jesse sat with Christa in one of the rooms. Jesse held Christa in his arms and said to her, his voice gentle and calming, “Christa, this is hard for all of us, trust me. I know first hand. But we all need to stay calm. Take a few days off. Go hang out with Malaya. Help her. We hopefully won’t be busy for a while.”

“But Jesse, I want to be there for Dr. Rorish when she wakes up.”

Jesse replied, “Alright. You rest here, I’ll page you when she wakes up. Could you also tell the rest of the residents and Dr. Hudson for me?”

Christa nodded and said, “Of course. Before you call us, just take some time with her. Help her, because we all know what’s going to happen.”

Jesse stared long and hard at the floor before saying, “It’s going to be hard for her to adjust. Especially in the ER. Not sure if she’ll ever return to us.”

Christa closed her eyes and replied, “I hope that she does. I can see that she is very much needed around here.”

Jesse nodded and solemnly left to upstairs.

Leanne had just come out of surgery, but she was still unconscious. Jesse sat by her side, holding her hand and waiting patiently for her to wake. Even though he hated the thought of having to break the news to her, he knew that was his duty as her friend.

Hours later, Leanne began to wake. She turned her head slightly and a smile came upon her lips as she saw Jesse sound asleep from all of the day’s action. She felt weak, but she couldn’t help but watch how peaceful Jesse looked as he rested. She watched him for a couple minutes before calling out gently, knowing fully well that Jesse would be upset if she did not wake him as soon as she awoke, “Jesse, I’m awake.”

Jesse practically fell out of the chair he was in. He sputtered, “L-Leanne!”

Leanne raised an eyebrow. Jesse rarely stuttered. In fact, the last time she had heard him stutter was when he had to tell her that her whole family had died. “Jesse, what’s wrong? How are Christa and Malaya?”

Jesse had a pained look on his face as he spoke as softly as he could manage, “They’re all fine. Christa just  got grazed slightly, but it’s merely a superficial wound.”

Leanne looked Jesse in the eye and demanded, “Tell me what’s going on, Jesse. Don’t hold back, please. Just tell me. Please just give it to me straight, Mama.”

Jesse winced at his nickname. He knew that after this, she probably wouldn’t be able to speak with him like that for a while. He said, pain lacing his voice, “L-Lea, I’m so sorry. The bullet, it hit your spine, and it’s likely that you will never walk unassisted again.”

Leanne stared at Jesse in shock. “You’re lying to me,” she said, with all the seriousness in the world.

Jesse couldn’t bear to see Leanne’s face. He looked down and away. He fiddled with his pager, sending a page to Christa. “Leanne, if you need some alone time, I’ll step out.”

Leanne let a tear fall and choked out, “No. I need you here.”

Jesse apologized, “I’m really sorry I had to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m sure that you would rather hear it from me than anyone else.”

Leanne nodded and said, “Mama, come here. Sit with me.”

Jesse nodded, moving from the chair to sitting right next to her. He said quietly, “I paged the residents and Neal. They’re on their way up to see you.”

Leanne nodded. “Jesse, could you help me sit up?”

He placed his hands firmly on her back, supporting her and placed pillows under her back. “Good?”

She smiled and said, “Yes, thank you very much Jesse.”

Jesse took Leanne’s hand and said, “Leanne, it’s ok to cry. You’re going through something that is horribly painful. This isn’t the time to be the strong Dr. Rorish. Right now, it’s okay to be Lea again. It’s okay to be vulnerable right now.”

Leanne leaned slightly on Jesse and said, “I know. Do you think this place would be able to manage without me?”

Jesse asked softly, “It depends. How long are you planning to leave?”

Leanne looked up at Jesse and admitted, “A long time, if not forever.”

Jesse said, “Lea, you know that everyone needs you.”

Leanne interrupted, “Jesse, I have a successor chosen already.”

“And I know who you’re talking about. Trust me, it isn’t the lack of attendings that we would be worrying about. It’s your expertise.”

“You know that he was under me for six years, four as part of an emergency medicine residency, and then another two as a trauma fellow. He thinks the same way that I do and is just as likely to get fired for caring too much.”

Jesse shook his head and said, “Leanne, no one can replace you. I’m not going to try to convince you; at least, not right now, but later on, I might. But I already know you’re likely to be too stubborn, so I’m inviting you to come visit whenever you would like, maybe watch the emergency department for a while. Perhaps watching dysfunction will give you pity for us.”

Leanne merely rolled her eyes, chuckling lightly.

Seconds later, the residents and Neal walked in. Seeing Leanne grinning, they were very glad for the head nurse. Leanne turned to Jesse and whispered to him, “Can you call TC for me? Tell him what happened and explain my proposal?”

Jesse nodded and said to the group, “I’ll be right back.”


	2. The Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the accident, there's always chaos.

Leanne turned to Christa and asked, “Christa, are you alright? I heard that you were hit by a bullet.”

Christa stared at Leanne with disbelief.

Leanne smiled and said, “I know, I know. You already know what’s happened to me. I’m just concerned, not about your physical health, because I know that you are fine, but about your mental health. When this all happened, you cried out with all the pain and bitterness in the world and that cry played my heartstrings like a violin. I’m worried about you, Christa.”

Christa looked at Leanne and sadness flashed across her face. She was careful to only reveal this emotion to Leanne, and not to the other attendings and residents surrounding her. “Dr. Rorish, you have been part of my family since I’ve been here. Watching you get shot was horrifying for me. I was full of anguish. That anguish is not healing or getting better.” She continued in a lower voice, as if she was scared of her fellow residents hearing her, “In my mind, you _are_ daddy. You are _my_ daddy. I saw where the bullet hit you. I knew from the start that there was a very slim chance that there wouldn’t be resulting spinal damage, and I’m sure you and Malaya knew that too. Walking away from you, when I knew what was going to happen, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my entire life. There was nothing that I wanted more than to just cry and sob with you. Instead, I was left wondering if that should have been me paralyzed instead of you. You are the life and soul of Angels’ Memorial. You have taught so many people and are so much more experienced than I am, and yet, you cannot be too many years older than I, and maybe you might even be younger than I am.”

Leanne looked up into her older resident’s eyes and rebutted, “Christa, you can’t think like that.”

Christa interjected, “Leanne. I heard what Jesse said. You said you probably will never return, and that’s heartbreaking for any future, past, or present residents and attendings here.”

Everyone looked at Christa in shock. None of them had known that Leanne was going to be leaving for good, this soon. Malaya burst out, “Dr. Rorish, you can’t leave! Everyone here needs you.”

Leanne looked sullen and replied, “It’s hard for most able-bodied people to keep up in Angels, let alone a paraplegic doctor.”

Angus took his turn in speaking, “Dr. Rorish, you aren’t just any person though. You’re not just any attending. You’re the Daddy to Jesse. You know this hospital better than you know anything else! The only person who probably knows more about this place and more about everything, is probably Jesse, and he can’t do it alone.”

Leanne was taken aback by the fact that even Angus was begging that she stay. Angus was normally more reserved and didn’t speak up like that. Experiencing her residents flattering her to death was quite a surprising occurrence that she was shocked.

“Dr. Rorish, you have helped me become the man I am today. To lose you is still something unimaginable for me. This place isn’t just a place. It’s a part of you, and you are a integral part of this hospital. It’s hard for me to believe that a strong woman like you would just give up,” Dr. Mario Savetti said, staring Leanne in the eye.

Leanne was startled and taken aback by the fact that even Mario was trying to get her to stay. She stuttered out, “I-I don’t know!”

Neal spoke softly, “Leanne, just look at it from my perspective for one second. All your residents are begging for you to return to the ED already, and we haven’t even hit Code Yellow yet. Even Dr. Savetti is begging you, and we both know that he would never do something like that under normal circumstances. When we hit Code Black, everyone is going to be lost, whether we have TC and Mike here or not. We’re just the workers in this hive, following the directions that you give us. You, my friend, are the queen of the hive. We are your worker bees. Without your directions and instructions, the feeling of organized chaos is going to dissolve into pure anarchy. You are our leader.  Without you, we won’t know what to do. What great team can work without a leader?”

Leanne looked up at Neal. He did have a very good point. She tried her best to respond, “Look, I’ll consider it. Maybe in a couple years.”

They all looked at her with pleading looks, looks that melted her heart. Leanne was about to cry, because she wanted to go back, but at the same time, felt that she would just be a burden and that she wouldn't be the same kind of helpful and useful as she had been before. There was nothing worse than having a member of the team being weak, and slipping into Code Black.

Jesse re-entered the room. He said to Leanne, “TC said that he’s going to catch the next flight that leaves out of there. He said it’ll still be a good ten or so hours before he’ll depart and another three hours from there. I also got a page from downstairs. They’re wondering where all of their doctors are. The police reopened us up and they’ve hit Code Red already.”

Leanne looked at everyone who was surrounding her like they were crazy and exclaimed, “Why are you all just standing here? Hurry up and get down there before we hit a Code Black and have absolutely no doctors! You’re short a doc already!”

Christa looked down at her feet and corrected, “Make that three.”

Leanne stared at Christa incredulously and said, “What did you just say?”

Malaya spoke up this time, defending her and her friend’s choice, “Jesse gave Christa and me a week of paid leave. He basically suspended us.”

Leanne growled at Jesse, “Jesse, what is the meaning of this? You need everyone you can get!”

Jesse shrugged and said, “They aren’t ready for it yet. They’ll just end up standing around and getting in the way. I’ll say you’re more ready than they are to move on. This was a very traumatizing experience for them both. If you’re so worried about downstairs, Christa and Malaya can take you downstairs to watch us because like I said, you are always welcome here.”

Leanne cocked her head at Jesse and said, “I literally just had a spinal injury and you want me back down there already?”

Jesse smiled and said, “Even if it’s just for one moment. It will help with the morale down there.”

Leanne sighed and responded, “Alright, just for one second.”

Jesse grinned happily and said, “See you later!” He ran downstairs, to try and control the Code Red, so that Leanne wouldn't come down to a Code Black. He wanted to make this as easy as possible for her. He called out as he walked down the aisle, “Clear this aisle! Leanne’s coming down!” Everyone looked at Jesse, who was radiating joy. They began to clear the aisle with speed.

Christa and Malaya began to help Leanne into a wheelchair. Christa turned around for a second and let a tear fall from her eye. Seeing Dr. Rorish so vulnerable and so helpless was heart-breaking for her. She was used to Leanne commandeering the Emergency Department. Now, she was helping her teacher into a wheelchair. She quickly shook the thought from her mind as she helped Leanne finish transferring. “Dr. Rorish, let’s head on down before they hit Code Black.”

Leanne nodded and began pushing her wheelchair outside. Christa and Malaya followed closely behind their ER director. 

Soon enough, they reached the ER. As they were leaving the elevator, Leanne hesitated. She whispered hoarsely, “Time to go back to the place where this all happened.” She straightened out her back and entered the Emergency Department. She watched the busyness of her department and saw how active it was. Within seconds, she watched as the board flashed Code Black. Jesse called out, “Mass Casualty, GSWs and a couple IEDs.” 

It took Leanne all the resistance in her body to not rush out into center stage and try to help. She tried her very best not to get closer. Every muscle in her body fought against her will, but she did all she could to not rush up there.

Jesse turned to look at her, and could see the longing in her eyes. He called out to the trio, “If any one of you wants to help, feel free!”

Leanne trembled slightly. Christa felt the vibration and asked, “Leanne, if you’re up to it, go ahead.”

Leanne shook her head, sadness and pain filling her body. She disagreed, “I’m just going to be dead weight. I’m not going to be much help.”

Christa laughed lightly and assured, “Dr. Rorish, not only are you the best doctor in this room, you also know this place amazingly well. Even if you were just sitting aside and giving orders from a gurney, you’d still be ten times better than anyone there.”

Leanne chuckled lightly and said, “Do you really think that I’m that amazing?”

Christa responded, “Everyone thinks that. Dr. Rorish, everyone here admires you and respects you, no matter what they say to you or do to you, they all love you and need you.”

Leanne smiled and said exasperatedly, “Alright, alright. I’ll try it, okay? But not on center stage. I don’t want to get in the way for the criticals.”

Christa grinned and said, “I’m just glad that I managed to convince you to at least work with the yellows. Maybe after spending some time there and realizing you’re still useful, you’ll come back to full-time sooner than you expected.”

Leanne scoffed, “Yeah, yeah. Just until TC gets here.”

Christa replied happily, “You’ll see, Dr. Rorish, you’ll see.”

Leanne just shook her head as she rolled away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had a fast chapter, two in one day. I'd say that my posting schedule will likely be at least once a week.


	3. The Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leanne puts up a fight, then she doesn't, and then she does again. Her accident has led to a rollercoaster of emotions for her.

Leanne began to start clearing out the sides. The patients she was treating were mostly ESI-2, which were things like chest pain, DVT/PEs, immunocompromised patients with fevers, and suicidal/homicidal patients. As she was treating a patient who was tachypnoea, she noticed that although he was only ESI-2, that he had a BP of 210/120. Leanne administered sodium nitroprusside to the patient in question, and waited. The patient’s BP began to fall, only for him to start coding. She looked up at the ECG and saw that he was in tachycardia. She called out to the Code Black ER, “I need help here!” 

Jesse ran by with Neal, but they didn’t stop, only calling out, “Sorry Leanne! You’re on your own.”

Leanne shot back, “Jesse, he’s tachy! He needs center stage!”

Jesse questioned, “Well, aren’t you a doctor?” He added, “Plus, center stage is fully booked right now. GSWs and a mass-casualty pile-up.”

Leanne shook her head and yelled, “At least get me a nurse or a resident! And a crash cart!”

Jesse nodded, running over to where Malaya and Christa were standing. He said to them, “Go help Leanne. She’s got a 29-year-old male, tachycardic, tachypnea, and hypertensive.”

Christa and Malaya jumped into action, quickly getting a crash cart. Christa asked Leanne, who had moved to a sitting position on the edge of the patient’s bed, doing compressions, “What’s going on here? Jesse said it was tachycardia.”

Leanne nodded and said, “It was. Now it’s asystole. Get 1mg of epi and slam it.”

Christa grabbed the syringe containing epinephrine and slammed it. She quickly responded, “It’s in. Intubate?”

Leanne paused compressions and checked pulse. “Go ahead,” she said, as she resumed compressions.

Malaya began intubation as Christa slammed another milligram of epinephrine. Leanne asked, “Gag reflex?”

Malaya shook her head and said, “Negative. Going in, I see the chords, and I’m in.”

Leanne complimented her, “Nice and fast. Good job. Start bagging.” She paused compressions to check for a pulse.

Christa quickly announced, “We’re in V-Fib. I’m applying the pads, starting at 150 joules, charging, clear.” Leanne stopped compressions and moved back a little. They waited a second before Christa continued, “Shocking 200, charging, clear.” This time, the patient’s heart rhythm returned to normal.

Leanne sighed and said, “Good, we have sinus. Now I have a bone to pick with Jesse, so I’ll be right back. Can you guys keep an eye on this guy, and make sure he doesn’t code again?” They nodded and Leanne slid back into her wheelchair and began searching for Jesse. 

She found him in the break room, eating a sandwich. Glaring at him, she stated, “You gave me that patient on purpose, didn’t you. You saw that he was hypertensive, and likely to code, so you gave him to me to try to get me to return to Center Stage. You had Christa and Malaya help me so that I would do most of the work and not just hand the case off.”

Jesse smiled and clarified, “I only did that because I saw the longing in your eyes. You wanted the action, but you just didn’t think that you could handle it. You think that I didn’t see the way you looked behind you at center stage every time you were in between patients or how when you were just watching, how your eyes practically turned green and your face red, trying to stifle the urge to help? I don’t want you to lose yourself. Remember, Mama know everything that goes on this house.”

Leanne shook her head, but she was laughing. Her laugh wasn’t a deep chest laugh, but just a light giggle. She looked at Jesse and said, “I’m not lost Jesse. People who are lost know where there came from and where they are supposed to be, they just don’t know where they are now. They know where the end is and they know where the start is, but I don’t. Somewhere, along the way, while I was finding others’ ways, I lost my own path. While I was encouraging others, I beat myself down. I fell down, and got up, just to run into another wall.”

Jesse grinned and said, “Without you, we’ll fall apart. This place would probably dissolve to ruin in litigations and lawsuits.”

“And you’re saying that I’m not going to cause more litigations than I normally do? I’ll probably get sued for double charges of malpractice, instead of just one!”

“Now, now. Don’t forget about the ADA.”

Leanne rolled her eyes and said, “I wouldn’t hire you as my lawyer.”

“I wouldn’t either. But without you, we would probably receive three or four times the indictments than we do now, because normally people drop malpractice cases if their loved one comes out unharmed and alive. Your techniques may not adhere to protocol or be very conventional, but they save lives, Leanne. Think about how many times people have threatened to sue Dr. Hudson for malpractice, and then you come in, save the patient, and although your methods of treating patients leaves Dr. Hudson wanting to sue _you_ for incompetence, the patient pulls through and all lawsuits are dropped and you are considered a guardian angel by said relatives. Think about how many times you have utilized unapproved procedures on a patient with one foot in the grave, and brought them back. You have received many visits from patients and their families just wanting to see you, the one person who was able to do something. Leanne, you’re brilliant rebel, and you’ve run this place for years. It would be a shame to lose you now.”

Leanne was touched by Jesse’s words, but she gently reminded him, “Jesse, I was planning to leave anyways. My injury just gets me out of my contract. If I need more money, I’ll sue the hospital for workplace violence. I have the injuries to prove it, as well as witnesses.”

Jesse looked defeated and tired all of a sudden. The brightness in his eyes faded into a dark dullness. His sloppy grin formed into a scowl. 

Leanne noticed the change in her dear friend’s face and asked with concern, “Jesse, what’s wrong?”

The man just shook his head and confided, “Leanne, I need you here just as much as you need me. You always tell me ‘Mommy, I need you.’ What you don’t know is that I need you a thousand times more.”

Leanne looked on, still concerned, and assured, “I’m not dying, I’m just leaving. You can visit me at home all you want.”

He sighed and said, “I’ll miss you, you know?”

Leanne looked into Jesse’s dark, chocolate eyes and said, “Jesse, I just don’t know if I’m fit for this job anymore.”

Jesse countered, “We all saw you hop right back into the job when your patient was coding. Your brain functions perfectly well, your legs don’t. That shouldn’t take you out of a job that you love. You’re the Daddy to my Momma.  When you hurt, I hurt. When you smile, I smile. The residents, although they may not say it or know it yet, always remember you after they leave as being the best. You know in your heart that you’re good enough, but your mind keeps shooting you down. Everyone here has told you how much you matter to the team. This hospital is like a car, and you are its engine. Every resident that comes in here is like a tiny seed, planted into the soil of Angels’ Memorial, and you are the gardener, devoting yourself to taking care of each plant and nurturing them.”

“Jesse, you just said it yourself. My legs don’t work. This job is a strenuous job when you have a fully-functioning body and you’re under the age of thirty. I’m a forty-three year old paraplegic, Jesse.”

Jesse broke in, “And I’m a fifty-something year old head nurse. It’s not your age that matters, it’s your resolve. Leanne, you’ve been over thirty for the last thirteen years. Why has that not been a big deal for the last twelve years, but now it is?”

Leanne argued, “Because I’m starting to feel old, and now I’m confined to a wheelchair! Center Stage’s floor is hard to navigate on two feet, let alone in a wheelchair. Jesse, I know you want me there, but I need you to realize that it’s not going to be easy, and I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to handle the physical requirements of doing this job from a wheelchair. I mean, this set of residents love me and respect me, but what if our next group is less courteous and they don’t respect me as much because of my disability? It’s hard for some people to accept authority at all, let alone if that authority is a cripple. People like to look up at their leaders, not down. There’s a social stigma about disabilities, and although I don’t advocate or support discrimination, I know it’s out there. A patient’s family might not be so happy to find out that their loved one was treated by a doctor with a disability, regardless of what the patient’s outcome was. The board might not even _let_ me return.”

Jesse countered, “But what about those people who come in here and suffer TBIs and SCIs that leave them paralyzed. They would enjoy you being there and—”

Leanne cut Jesse off, “I’m not a pity story, Jesse.”

Jesse shook his head and said, “I know. You’re a great doctor, that’s what you are. But you’re drowning yourself in self-pity. You don’t realize you’re actually drowning while you’re trying to be everyone’s anchor. You don’t drown by falling into the water, you drown by staying there. You would rather drown than walk over the bridges that everyone has build for you! Everyone is reaching their hands out to you, and you aren’t even trying! You should at least consider it! If you fail, there’s nothing to regret, but if you don’t try, then you’ll regret it!”

Leanne shook her head in disbelief and said, “I’m not returning and it’s final. Get out of here Jesse. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

Jesse tried to explain, “I just want you to be happy, Leanne.”

She turned to him and bellowed, “I said, _go away_! I don’t want to see you and I don’t want to talk to you!” Leanne watched as Jesse left the room silently. She began to cry, realizing that her outburst had probably hurt Jesse’s feelings quite a bit.


	4. Chapter 4

Jesse sat alone outside, watching the rain fall from under an overhang by the ambulance bay. He hadn’t meant to hurt her or to upset her, he just wanted her to _think_ before making a rash decision that could affect her for the rest of her life. He knew how hard was for her to get that job in the first place, and how much she loved it. He didn’t want her to give it up because of her injury.

As day slowly drifted into night, Leanne finally went back upstairs to the inpatient rooms. She was going to stay for about a week so that the staff could monitor her progress. She thought about what she had done and felt terrible for hurting Jesse. After all that he had done for her, she had been so mean to him when he was just trying to help her move on from her injury. Jesse had just been trying to do what he did best, give her the information that she needed, and help her process it and understand what he was trying to say. But, instead of just brushing it away with friendly bickering, or asking for some time, she had been rude and mean to him. She could hardly believe her own actions. She felt alone, truly alone, for the first time since the earth-shattering accident years ago. After she had lost everyone, Jesse had been there for her, always supporting her, caring for her, protecting her, and nurturing her, even through the roughest of times. But now, emptiness filled her, and she was just starting to realize how much Jesse meant to her. Without him, she wouldn’t have been here. He had pulled her away from the brink of suicide. He had helped her through her hard times, and she just shut him out.

Jesse pondered whether he had pushed far too long and far too hard for Leanne to return. Perhaps he had been too direct, or didn’t wait long enough. Either way, he was sure that he had just destroyed any chance of her returning. Leanne had never reacted this way to him before. He debated with himself in his head whether it was his fault or her inability to deal with what was going on. He was pretty sure that it was his fault, for pushing her on a critical ESI-1 patient too soon. He wondered if he had kept her on ESI-2 patients for longer whether that would have any effect. He just stared out into the fog.

Malaya was finally going home. She had spent a couple hours with Christa, who was going to spend a night under observation at the hospital, before deciding that it was late. She was going to visit Dr. Rorish, but she decided against it because she didn’t know whether Dr. Rorish was sleeping or if her and Jesse were having a private moment. As she walked outside, she saw a man by the ambulance bay out of the corner of her eye and decided to go see if the man was okay. It was quite cold tonight, and if the man was injured, she would hate for him to have to sit out in the cold. As she got closer, she noticed that the man was in scrubs, so that meant that whoever he was, he was one of them. The man had his head in between his knees, so she still couldn’t identify him. She suddenly realize that she only knew one person with that body shape that worked during her shift and was off now. She called out tentatively into the foggy night, “Jesse?” The man looked up and looked at her with glassy eyes.

Jesse had been deep in thought when he heard a voice call out to him. He thought that perhaps there had been another accident or perhaps they were extremely short doctors and nurses. He looked up and instead of seeing a frazzled young nurse, Malaya was standing about 20 feet from him. She had a concerned look on her face as she looked at him. He realized that he probably looked just as bad, if not worse than he felt. He ran his hand through his hair, trying to keep himself somewhat together. 

Malaya took a couple cautious steps towards Jesse. She saw his eyes looked tired, and she internally wondered how long he had been out here, sitting there. She noted the way he ran his fingers through his hair. He looked tired, and almost like he had given up. She had expected, and almost automatically assumed that Jesse would be at Leanne’s bedside, but instead, he was out here, watching the rain. In her mind, Jesse was the last person she expected to find. It was more likely for her to have found Angus, or even Mario out there, contemplating life. But it wasn’t. It was Mama. The one that she thought would have it all together, and the one person that everyone went to for help was sitting in the cold. She spoke softly, trying her best not to seem threatening, “Are you okay?”

Jesse looked up at her with a heaviness in his heart and a pain that could not be spoken. A coldness spread through his veins and he shivered slightly. He felt a twinge of pain in his chest, but it wasn’t a physical pain. The pain he was feeling wasn’t one of a heart attack, but merely the pain of someone who felt guilt and bitterness. He breathed, “I hurt her. I didn’t mean to, but she hates me now. I was just trying to help, but I think I went too fast.”

Malaya knew instantly who he was talking about. She felt her heart clench. She was both angry and sympathetic at the same time. She was angry at Jesse for upsetting Leanne after everything that had happened, but sympathetic, because she knew that if she were in Jesse’s position, she probably would have done the same thing. But she pondered the words he used, and wondered. She didn’t think Leanne had the ability to hate Jesse. Jesse and Leanne seemed to have a special bond, and they could say or do anything, and still be friends. That was when she realized that whatever happened must have been pretty drastic for them to hate each other, or at least for Leanne to hate Jesse. She could obviously see that Jesse blamed himself for whatever happened, and seriously wondered if Leanne was upstairs blaming herself. She debated whether she should call Christa and ask her to check on Leanne. Malaya knew that Leanne was at risk for self-injurious behavior, because she had sneaked a look at Dr. Rorish’s chart one time, just to see how she was faring. She had found an attempted suicide, and several reports of slit wrists, ODs, and strangulations. She had also found that Leanne had suffered severe fractures in her left tibia and fibula, and they had put a rod in her leg. All of this information was still new to her, and she was going to talk to Jesse about it tomorrow morning, but figured, why not now? She walked over slowly, and sat next to him not eh cold, hard metal bench and said to him, “Jesse, I have a question, about Leanne. I accidentally found out some stuff about her and I want to see what is real and what is fake.”

Jesse nodded as he wrapped an arm around her. Malaya was shivering ever-so-slightly, but Mama knew pretty much everything. “Would you like to move to a warmer location first?”

Malaya shook her head and said, “Here is fine. I’m not cold.”

Jesse nodded in affirmation and Malaya began.

“Jesse, when Dr. Rorish had her accident, did they put a rod in her leg?” Malaya used her mentor’s ‘work-name’ because it allowed her to distance herself and make this all seem less personal, because honestly, she didn’t want to think that any of what she was asking was true.

Jesse said sadly, “Unfortunately, yes.”

Malaya looked at Jesse, and thought about how much pain an intramedullary rod caused and asked, “How can she walk normally then?”

“Malaya, Leanne took a year to learn how to walk without a limp and learn how to deal with the pain. She wasn’t planning to come back then, either. I assumed this time would be just like that, she’ll go through the therapy and want to come back, but I guess I was wrong. I guess I kind of treated this like that.”

Malaya looked down at her feet, despondent. “Oh. Wow. I saw her limping one time after a 48-hour shift. I just thought that she might have bumped her leg on something because of how hectic the shift was, so I got her a wheelchair and went home. I didn’t think that she could have an intramedullary rod in her leg.”

Jesse replied, “Very few people do know. You know that Leanne’s going to be mad at you, right? Even if you did have good intentions, she’s a very private person.”

Malaya nodded and said, “I know. I feel bad for snooping, but I was just looking for the most recent entry. Her medical records were thicker than I expected.”

Jesse smiled sadly and nodded. “She’s been through a lot. She’s a tough cookie. In one accident, she lost everyone, she lost her ability to walk without pain, she lost her sanity, she lost her happiness. Now, she’s going through it all again. I wasn’t sure how she was going to handle it, and I guess I messed up.”

Malaya interjected, “Don’t blame yourself for this. There’s no way you could have known how she would react. You were acting upon past experience, and that’s all the matters. The fact that you actually tried to convince her when the rest of us were just distancing ourselves is already saying a lot. Maybe when Dr. Rorish’s replacement comes in, we can talk to him.”

Jesse corrected, “Replacement _s_. There are three of them flying in. Their hospital isn’t overly busy, and they have a new attending there, so they all just decided to come. I’m actually plotting against Leanne, and have been this whole time. You see, since there are three of them coming, and it’s just to replace Leanne, not you two, I can argue with her that one of her is three of other people. Most people don’t have Leanne’s time management skills or her ability to be in many different places at once. She's always here, there, working magic at Center Stage, drilling a borehole in a man’s head, while simultaneously coaching a resident to deliver a baby in an ambulance, while keeping an eye on Dr. Hudson, and making sure that her residents are saving lives, not taking them.”

Malaya confessed, “I didn’t realize how many different things she was to us until she was gone. I’m used to turning around and seeing Dr. Rorish watching me over my shoulder, while prompting Angus to perform whatever maneuver he has to do, while running center stage and riling up the surgeons, all at the same time. It was definitely chaotic, but she seemed to be everywhere, and seemed to keep everyone together, and somewhat sane. This is a tough residency, not because Dr. Rorish is mean, like those who have never had her as a teacher think, but it’s because she doesn’t slack off. She isn’t that attending that only lets residents treat ESI-3 and 4 patients, with the occasional ESI-2, with her supervision. She’s the kind that teaches you first, then lets you on your own. You handle the ESI-2s alone or with a  partner, and if you need any help, then you ask her. She isn’t going to keep you on a leash the whole way through. She’s going to tell you, you do your job, I’m only here if you’ve hit five walls, climbed over them, and now you’re stuck in quicksand. That attitude alone makes her the best attending in the country. But that, combined with her medical knowledge of the approved, traditional techniques, _and_ of other, not so orthodox procedures make her the best doctor ever.”

"I agree with you whole-heartedly. She thinks that her replacement is just as good if not better than her. But Dr. Callahan would agree with both of us. He himself once told me that one of his favorite things about coming back here to Angels is to watch Leanne work because he said that she just does everything with so much grace and elegance. She makes what would normally be a ugly grunt job look like a work of art. The doctors that we are bringing over are Dr. Jordan Alexander, who has never met Leanne and is very by-the-books, Dr. Topher Zia, who was a warzone medic, worked with Leanne for one year, dragged here by Dr. Callahan, and there's Dr. TC Callahan, the big star here. 3 tours in Afghanistan, top of his class in John Hopkins, and spent six years here. He started his residency here, after already having completed a three-year program at John Hopkins. He had heard about Leanne, and wanted to see what that was all about. He left to serve after two years, but came back after he returned from his third tour. He finished his last two years, and then decided to stay for another two-year program. His mind works like Leanne, that’s true, but he just can’t match Leanne’s speed and concentration. He’s good, but he focuses on _one_ patient at a time, and practically obsesses over the people he treats. He goes far too extreme. Leanne does operations in the ER if it is absolutely necessary, but she won’t barge into the OR demanding to assist. That’s what TC tends to do, which turns him from one of the best ER doctors to one that is likely to get fired. Leanne never fired him for that because he was good, and he could clear beds just as quickly as she did, as long as he didn’t lose any patients. The second he lost someone, he was done for the day, and that was rough, but the benefits outweighed the downsides. Leanne has all the benefits of Dr. Callahan, but without all negatives. In fact, whenever we get attendings who shadow here, they always ask me what her ‘catch’ is, like what is wrong with her that we aren’t seeing. And I have to tell them, the only thing you could possibly find that could be of concern is her PTSD. TC has it as well, so that’s what they bonded over.”

Malaya nodded and asked quietly, as she knew that this was probably a taboo subject, “Was PTSD the reason that Dr. Rorish self-harmed and attempted suicide?”

Jesse closed his eyes and divulged, “Yes. She was a wreck after the accident, and she refused to go home. I didn’t like the idea of her living out of the locker room, so I took her home with me one night, and let her stay with me for a while. She still went to work, and looked fine to everyone else, but when she came home at night, she was a mess. I had to take her into the emergency room too many times to count. She was in physical and emotional pain, and it was too much for her at times. I tried to convince her to start a course of antidepressants, but she was her normal stubborn self, and vehemently refused.”

Malaya nodded and wondered, “Jesse, should we get Dr. Rorish placed on suicide watch? We can do it without her ever knowing.”

Jesse looked at Malaya incredulously and said, “Are you tryin’ to invade her privacy? She knows when she has a problem, and she will do anything in her power to fix her problems without letting anyone who doesn’t need to know, know. Hell, I shouldn’t even be telling you what I have already. How about this? We both go up together to check on Leanne?”

Malaya nodded and said, “And if she’s asleep, we’ll go back up tomorrow.”

Jesse agreed, “Deal.”


	5. The Clarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a trigger warning for this chapter, for self-harm and mentions of suicide.

Leanne sat in bed, tears running down her cheeks. She wanted nothing more than to see Jesse, but she had no idea where he was, and didn’t want to go looking for him only to find out he had gone home already. She had asked a nurse if Jesse had left yet, but the nurse didn’t know, and could only inform her that Jesse had clocked out. She grabbed her jacket from the chair and pulled out a thin, shiny blade from the inside pocket and stared at it for a second, before dipping the silver razor into her skin. She watched as the scarlet, sticky liquid dripped out from the semi-deep laceration. She pushed the edges of the wound together, watching the blood bead up around sides. She wiped the blood off with a piece of gauze. The action made her feel better, and less numb. Self-harm was addicting to her, the physical pain allowing her to not think about her emotional pain. Her mind flashed back to the last time that Jesse had caught her. Jesse had been incredibly disappointed with her. He had admitted her into the hospital, stitched her up without anyone else knowing, and discharged her. That night, Jesse had sat down with her and asked her one question. ‘Why?’ The way he had said it haunted her to this day. She looked around for a needle and suture. She had one at home in her bathroom, but she wasn't sure about here. She checked every drawer, finally finding it. Just as she made the first stitch, the door creaked open.

Malaya had offered to go in first, because she knew that Leanne would be less likely to tell her to get out than Jesse. She placed her hand on the doorknob, took a deep breath, and opened the door slowly. She peeked her head through the narrow gap and nearly fainted. She backed up and out of the room quickly, and grabbed onto Jesse for support. She looked up at Jesse, her face flashing with various emotions. She was scared, confused, freaked out, and worried.

Jesse watched as Malaya opened the door. He silently pleaded for her to not be asleep already. Malaya had paled and ran out of the room in fear and panic. He protectively held onto Malaya and gently shushed her while rubbing her back with his hand. He cradled her in his arms and wondered what could have elicited this kind of reaction out of the normally calm Malaya. He looked down at her and asked, “Are you alright?”

Malaya buried her head deeper into Jesse’s chest and said, “No, but you need to go in there. I think Dr. Rorish needs you more than I do.”

Jesse nodded, releasing Malaya. He gently creaked the door open and took a look in. He saw Leanne looking at him like a deer in headlights. In one hand was a suture and she was stitching up a wound on her own arm. He scanned the room more carefully this time, and saw the shiny blade on the table. He said so quietly and with so much pain that it could make even the strongest of men crack, “Why, Leanne?” His voice cracked slightly, with all of the emotion he was feeling.

Leanne was shocked when Malaya walked in. She watched as the blood drained out of Malaya’s face and watched the shock creep onto her face. Malaya had run out of the room so fast that Leanne didn’t have the time to stop her. Leanne heard Jesse’s voice speaking to Malaya calmingly, and she knew that she was in for it, but she couldn’t move. She felt like she was trapped in honey. Jesse pushed open the door, and the look on his face broke her heart. She watched as his eyes panned across the room, stopping for just a moment on the gleaming blade. She was about to speak, when she heard the words drift out of his mouth. ‘Why, Leanne?’ She looked up at him and begged, “I’m sorry Jesse. I just felt—.”

Jesse cut her off and said, “This is my fault. I pushed you too hard and I pushed you over the edge. I’m sorry, Leanne.” He turned to leave her alone.

Leanne cried out, “Jesse, I need you here with me. Please don’t leave me alone. I’m sorry about earlier. I don’t hate you!”

Jesse shook his head, staring down at the floor. “The last time this happened, you promised me that I would never find you like this again,” he said, tears threatening to spill out, “What happened to you, Leanne?” 

"Jesse, I broke, I cracked. I can only be strong for so long. My life has changed in so many ways so many times. It’s stressful and honestly, I don’t think I can take it much more. I can only be strong through so many of these types of life-changing accidents. Every one of these accidents have lead to my life never being the same again, and I feel like this is going to be the end.”

Jesse responded, a slight anger filling his voice, “You can’t give up this easily, Leanne. You are a warrior. You are extremely strong, you just have to let yourself keep fighting, and you just have to let everyone around you help. All of us are trying our best, but you just push us away.”

“I’m really sorry about earlier. I don’t know how I could say all that after everything that you’ve done for me. You’ve always been by my side, helping me get through whatever tragedy decided to strike me. You don’t get anything out of it, but you still keep doing it. No matter how bad I got, you still helped me more and more, and I just exploded all over you,” Leanne said, horrified to the point where she wanted to just go back and take it all back. She still could hardly believe her actions. Suddenly, she remembered Malaya’s reaction to, well, her, and quickly added, “Jesse, is Malaya okay? She was really shocked when she came in. I don’t want her to freak out or anything…”

Jesse rolled his eyes and said, “It’s too late for that. That train has passed and that boat has sailed. Leanne, she took a peek into your medical records just to see if you were okay and was confronted with a much thicker record than she expected, so she took a look, and she saw everything. She couldn’t look away once she had started reading, and she saw most of everything. She came down and found me at the ambulance bay and asked me so many questions. I know you see this as an invasion of privacy, but you need to understand that she was just worried.”

“Jesse, I’m not mad,” Leanne said, with a hint of sadness in her voice that Jesse would think of her in that way and that she would attack her poor resident. If it had been anyone else in any other situation, she probably would have exploded, but at this point, she was just surprised that Malaya was the only person who had snooped so far. She had figured that at least one person would be curious enough to open up the amazingly thick, manilla folder and just take a read, or even merely a glance-over. Even so, even just a glance would reveal how many of her hospital admissions were simply because of self-harm and how she was never seen by an attending, but only by Jesse. Her records looked very nontraditional and very unconventional, but everything about the rebellious female doctor was strange and different from the normal. So, the fact that her records looked so odd just fit in with her personality and the way she acted. Of course, she would not have wanted to be seen by one of her fellow doctors, and it probably would have been too expensive to go to another emergency room. She was a very proud person, and she definitely did not want her colleagues and her students to know that she was doing these things to herself. She explained to Jesse, “I actually expected it to happen eventually, but I expected it to be either Christa or Angus, or even Savetti, but I definitely did not expect it to be Malaya. I’m not mad, just surprised that she was the only one. I expect you to receive more similar questions in the morning, assuming that the others have peeked without our knowledge.”

Jesse simply nodded, speechless. He was shocked that she knew and was practically letting them look at her confidential records. He was so surprised at this because it was so different than her normal demeanor. Leanne was normally a very private person, so her willingness to share and her relaxedness about her private information being leaked was very out of place. He knew why, though. It was because after everything that happened, she couldn’t stand to be rough on her poor residents. After all, this definitely wasn’t what they signed up for. All they had signed up for was a residency, and had been matched here. It wasn’t their faults, but it also wasn’t what they were expecting. Leanne knew from years of experience that eventually something like this would happen, she just never expected herself to come out on the bottom as the victim. 

The police were still finding out more about the shooter, and said they would call or send someone over with information as soon as they had it. The incident was all over the news, and now they had more than the normal intake of people. People flocked in with all kinds of injuries, hoping, and in some cases all too literally, dying, to try and get just a glimpse of the all famed Leanne Rorish, incapacitated. Leanne was famous before this already, for her medical prowess and her unconventional methods of solving problems. Now with this shooting, she was immensely popular, but no one had the guts to tell her that, because Leanne had always preferred living in the shadows, in the places where the media couldn’t reach. She just wanted to do her work and be left in peace the rest of the time. Every time she saved someone who had a high standing in society, everyone seemed to flock to her door, dying to see the woman who may be unusual, but was incredibly brilliant. Leanne mostly just hid in her office or in the locker room or where-fucking-ever the photographers and the such would not find her.

Leanne wrapped her arms around Jesse lightly, trying her best not to seem angry or threatening to him. She buried her face in Jesse’s broad chest, a mix of pain, anger, frustration, and guilt rushing through her. She let a couple tears slip out as she hid her face in embarrassment. Just a couple hours ago she was screaming at him, and now she was crying into his chest. She admired him for the speed that he could forgive her, through her mood swings. She muttered, “We should talk to Malaya.”

Jesse responded, “I agree. Do you want me to go get her?”

Leanne looked up at him with puppy eyes and asked, “If I say yes, does that mean I have to move?” She traced her finger over Jesse’s scrubs, still clinging onto the man for dear life.

Jesse grinned and chuckled and said, “Unfortunately yes.”

Leanne pouted and looked up and asked, “Can you just ask her to come back tomorrow? I just want to cuddle and sleep all night now.”

Jesse nodded, grabbed his phone in his free hand and sending a funny, quirky text, ‘Malaya, can you come back tomorrow? Leanne feels like cuddling all night like an old married couple.’

Malaya, still standing outside, received the text and left, laughing to herself the whole way home.

Leanne and Jesse fell asleep eventually, Leanne still clinging onto Jesse like a life raft.


End file.
